Wingspouse Blog

by Kathi Browne

I usually write to the people married to c-suite executives, but my recent post Take Charge of Recharging inspired a counter-post directed to YOU, the executives. Too many times, executives forget that while they are working hard, so are we. While they are being drained of every ounce of energy away from home, we are making sure everything keeps going at home. While they are trying to manage direct reports, we are taking more than our share of the responsibilities on our shoulders.

It occurred to me that perhaps I could share some insight about your spouse you may not be aware of. Maybe my insight will change your relationship for the better, and maybe someone somewhere will do the same for me one day. Here are my top ten pointers:

1. Only commit to do things you can surely do and once promised, be sure to do it. Empty promises destroy marriages, as well as families. If your spouse has to check up on everything you promise to do, she may have well done it herself. On the other hand, knowing that just a few items are sure to be done without further thought is a wonderful gift.

2. Don’t avoid social time as a couple. You probably interact with your peers every day, but your spouse may have little interaction outside of the home. Grow relationships outside of work so you and your spouse have mutual friends. Make a point to do things as a couple, so you don’t grow apart.

3. Try to keep your spouse informed of schedule changes. When unexpected appointments arise, text her or call her so she is informed. Also, ask your secretary to copy your wife on all travel appointments. Miscommunication leads to more hostility than a sudden crisis at work. When my husband calls to say he won’t be home as expected, I know he has had a tough day because I’m finding out as soon as he did. Those evenings are met with a glass of wine and an understanding attitude.

4. Don’t leave your spouse to apologize for your dropping the ball. Return phone calls that aren’t work-related. Find coverage when you commit to do something and then discover a conflict. Take care of your own business, even if you don’t think it’s important.

5. Give your spouse a break from responsibilities, too. Don’t claim the weekends as YOUR rest time. Everyone needs a break. If you come home after a long day at work, and sit in a chair while she prepares dinner once in a while, that may work well for both of you. But if you also sleep in on the weekends while she is running the children around, and you watch a game or two while she starts a load of laundry and balances the checkbook, when does SHE get a break? You may need the fishing trip to get away from it all, but don’t forget to suggest she take a weekend away with her girlfriends. If you don’t have time to relieve her yourself, make a monthly payment toward a concierge (personal assistant). You’ll both be happier.

6. Protect family vacation time at all cost. What more needs to be said. If you consider an appointment more sacred than time with your family, what does that say about your priorities, hmmm?

7. Don’t listen to outdated advice that says you should leave work at the office. Share your day with your spouse and welcome her input. She will have a better understanding about what you deal with and you will have a sounding board to sort your thoughts and emotions.

8. Don’t throw the house rules out the window just because you’re home. Parenting is not a part-time job. It may be fun to declare the table can be cleared later, but who suffers when “later” never comes? Or you may think you’re scoring brownie points when you give back the item that was lost for bad behavior, but what message does that convey about your spouse’s authority?

9. Set goals, communicate the importance of those goals, and make decisions based on those goals. If you are working long hours to get a promotion, explain to your family what you’re working towards. When you get the promotion, slow down your pace. If you are taking classes to attain a degree or certification, set timelines for each class and communicate what will be required for each milestone. Don’t allow distractions to interfere with your reaching those goals. When a goal is reached, celebrate with the family. Don’t throw another demand their way before they get a chance to exhale.

10. Reward your family for their cooperation and hard work. Encouragement is important at any age. I don’t get a lot of recognition from the children and there is no annual review to look forward to. But I can tell you every time my husband made a special effort to recognize my hard work. His appreciation means the world to me.

Many of these pointers seem obvious now that I’ve shared them, but how many of them are you guilty of not doing? Will your spouse see a difference in the near future? After all, partnership isn’t about being perfect, but about a willingness to improve.

I’m interested to know what your wish list would be. What do you wish someone would tell your spouse? Please leave me a comment!