by Kathi Browne
Several readers have approached me, asking why my posts address women more than men. The simple fact is that I see many women mastering the art of partnering with their husbands, and I don’t see the same among the men. In an effort to address the majority (rather than insert he/she everywhere), I address women. However, a few of my readers really confronted me on this, and so I regrouped my thoughts. I put out a plea (using social media, blogging, and word of mouth) to be connected with real live male wingspouses. The response was overwhelming.
Many people said they knew male wingspouses, and then began describing a male version of a helpmate. Those are not one in the same. Some men approached me and claimed to be wingspouses, only to reveal that their idea of support amounted to doing a few chores that were traditionally “woman’s work.” Others touted that they provided emotional support by cheering on their wives, but fell short when I asked what they sacrificed for their wives’ success. However, when I started to reach out to some of the men who were following my wingspouse blog, I discovered something entirely different. These men got it. They didn’t draw a line between gender roles, and were more concerned with finding new ways to support their partners than receiving a pat on the back. Interestingly, these men were often quite successful businessmen in their own right, and for one reason or another chose to move their wives’ careers to the front line.
My big break came when a twitter connection @CASUDI, Caroline Di Diego of Inclined to Design blog, challenged me to start writing a piece addressing male wingspouses. She was a wonderful source for high profile women married to supportive men, and was especially interested in what I could offer to men fulfilling the wingspouse role. I set out to interview my new connections and test my current assumptions. After gathering information from many sources, I came to some interesting conclusions.
Men have to take more initiative to fully support their spouses than women do. Why? Because society gives men permission to do less, and makes it uncomfortable for them to be “all in.” Several men shared how hard it was to be accepted by other moms as they attempted to fulfill parent duties or maintain the day-to-day home operations while their own wives were working. Todd (aka A Man Among Mommies) vents in his bio about how awkward a man can be made to feel among women in the same role. One man’s comment to Todd really summed it up. He wrote, “What kills me is the perception that women that stay home are called homemakers, ‘domestic engineers,’ and whatever else, but when men do it, they’re looked at as ‘unemployed lazy bums.’“ I also interviewed a wingspouse who shared his frustration attending business events for his wife. He admitted that he was uncomfortable revealing he was a “spouse” for fear that the conversation would come to an immediate halt. “Businessmen don’t think they have anything in common with me,” he explained, “and wives think I’m hitting on them.” Another uncomfortable moment some male wingspouses experience is the surname faux pas. When a high profile woman keeps her maiden name, her husband is sometimes mistakenly addressed using her last name, rather than his. The initial mistake is uncomfortable enough, but correcting it can be even more awkward. It takes a confident man to live with this social stigma and not reclaim the traditional male role that is applauded. Bruce Sallan, a retired movie producer and now stay-at-home dad, takes this one step further. He believes men also have to fight their very nature. “Men, by their nature and their egos, derive a lot more satisfaction in the sense of doing something purposeful in the form of work… they have to see the new role as having purpose,” he shared. Women must understand this and continually recognize the value of their partners in a public way.
Men who have experienced career success are more willing to help their spouses succeed. This is not to say that a man will not support his spouse until he is successful, but having experienced success minimizes self-doubt that can result from the social stigma mentioned earlier. Also, if a wife was supportive during a man’s career advancement, he is more likely to foster a feeling of appreciation (or even indebtedness) toward her. Several of the men I contacted shared how they had used their own career knowledge to help their wives excel in business. Their contributions ranged from helping their wives study for a degree to advising them on business practices. These men also frequently recalled how their wives had been there for them and that they were returning the favor. One man shared how his wife had contributed to his military career for so many years. “One night she woke me up and said ‘I think I need to go to medical school,’” he recalled, “I asked her what it was going to take and then said I would take care of everything else if she would just take care of the cooking.” He retired from the military and remained home fulltime for three years before returning to work again. Not all women are so lucky. Some couples I spoke with had conflicting opinions as to how helpful the man in the relationship truly was. In many of these cases, the man didn’t have a good understanding of what was needed from him, either because he had little knowledge of upper management culture, or had not had his wife set the example of how the wingspouse role could be fulfilled. The solution to this issue (politically correct or not) is to allow the man first turn at success. When this isn’t possible, guilt may be the next best motivator.
Men are more open to embracing the wingspouse role if they recognize the value of their marriage. This statement may seem obvious, but it’s a much more powerful statement when closely examined. In talking to many couples, I discovered that the men who excelled in the wingspouse role were the men who were also eager to express their love for the spouse. These men put their wives above their own careers, the social pressure, and their pride. In some cases, men shared stories of how their wives helped them survive devastating events or sacrificed in ways they could never have anticipated. One man shared how his wife saved his life by getting him to a hospital when he suffered a heart attack. In all of these cases, the men were strongly convicted that they had discovered something so wonderful; they would do everything to keep it. They repeatedly used the term “partnership” and “best friend” and rarely referred to themselves outside of the partnership. Interestingly, faith often entered the conversation. “We live as Christ followers,” one husband told me, “…I am her servant. She’s a servant, too. Our faith is what holds us together.” Another couple shared that they came from diverse religious backgrounds, but eventually found a faith they could both relate to. The theme of unity seemed to run throughout their daily lives. Other couples I spoke with seemed to be missing this passion. In some instances, the men had begun assuming the wingspouse role out of necessity, usually due to a job loss. While these men had good intentions, their failure to sincerely appreciate the value of their relationship resulted in a lack of motivation. Their partners frequently expressed disappointment and frustration. “I just wish he recognized what he’s asking of me when I come home from work to a messy house,” one woman confided. The lesson here is to build a strong relationship, before attempting something non-traditional. Men should carefully examine their motivation for supporting their spouses, and executive women should pay attention to the relationship as much as the company financials.
So those are the facts, as I interpret them, having spoken with several men married to successful women. I met some really wonderful couples who convinced me that this reversed wingspouse role is not only possible but especially admirable given the hurdles these men have overcome. In closing, I’d like to share comments made by some of the most successful male wingspouses:
“You can’t support a spouse in words only. You have to act on it.”
– Kent Wingate
“If you treat a marriage as a partnership, you’ll have a very successful marriage… You’ve got to do your part… and if you approach marriage on a 50/50 relationship, I’ll tell ya, there wouldn’t be any divorces.”
– Lee Matheson
“We have been having Friday night as date night since we got married, no matter what we do, we do it together.”
– Jerry Hancock
This week I celebrated 19 years with the best partner I can imagine. Although she has been my wife for nearly two decades, she has only been my wingspouse for the last 10 years or so. When we (not I) decided to make the jump from being a practicing physician into the world of administrative medicine, neither of us really knew what to expect. After living the physician executive life for the last decade or so, I have become what most would call “successful”. Using my highly focused retrospectoscope, I can assure you of one thing – I could not have gotten to where I am now without my wingspouse.
