Topic: ‘Feminist or Feminism?’

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

August 14th, 2009 by Kathi the Wingspouse

by Kathi Browne

Can you believe an article like this even exists? Time magazine’s article THE EXECUTIVE WIFE: The Facts Contradict the Fiction suggests that an executive wife should be kept ignorant to her husband’s business in order to avoid her meddling in it.

Now before you get too angry, let me point out that the article is dated 1957. So why am I so bothered by it? Because this is the crap my mother had to deal with. No wonder she always pushed me to work a little harder, play a little smarter, and be a little more visible. She was preparing me for the world, as she knew it. If I had been born a generation earlier, I would have been “put in my place” for attempting to introduce my wingspouse concept. I have a new appreciation for my mother. She fought a battle so that I could enjoy more opportunities.

Still, there are stereotypes that women battle today. I see it all around me. The woman who chooses to climb the corporate ladder is labeled “bitchy” or “power hungry” when she corrects a direct report. If that same woman chooses to stay home and raise a family, she is referred to as “just a housewife” and accused of setting back women’s rights. Take that same woman and marry her off to a successful business man and others around her refer to her as “spoiled” or a “silver-spoon baby.” When are we going to truly unite as women and stand behind our own, whatever their path?

I watched as Sarah Palin was attacked by media and fellow politicians. These folks insulted her children, discredited her years of education, and had the nerve to critique her wardrobe when other male politicians had a closet full of Armani suits. It was shameful and promoted stereotypes reminiscent of the 1950’s. Was it because she had the nerve to wield a gun? After all, shouldn’t that be left to men? Or was it because she dared to stand against waste in Washington? What does a woman know about budgets and spending anyway? Oh! Maybe it was because she was against abortion, since no woman could possibly know the difference between conservatism from liberalism. You get my point. Our silence during such female bashing was nothing short of a blessing to do it again and again. This isn’t about Sarah Palin. This is about how media and Washington so easily discredit women in general without any fear of retribution. They know that we (women) are still fighting our own internal battles, and fail to respond in a loud voice when they misbehave. We need to set aside our differences and stand together to stop these stereotypes from being propagated any further.

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Posted in Feminist or Feminism?, Random Thoughts | 6 Comments »

Oh No He/She Didn’t!!!

July 28th, 2009 by Kathi the Wingspouse

Several other blogs have been buzzing about my wingspouse concept, and OH has it been fun! I had no idea people could get so emotional about my willingness to support my husband, rather than get my own career. I also was unaware that folks would fixate on my reference to a wingspouse as a wife, rather than a spouse. Can they not understand that using the term spouse for the wingspouse and spouse for the spouse, would make for confusing sentences when referring to both spouses? (Sigh)

While I admit I’m not sold on the fact that many men would make good wingspouses (for a number of reasons), I’m willing to keep an open mind. So here goes…

A wingspouse is not a man/woman who chooses to stay home and raise a family. That role, referred to as a stay-at-home-dad/mom – is an admirable role of it’s own. A wingspouse is someone who is career minded, but has found himself/herself in a marriage where his/her spouse’s career makes a second career more difficult. This is not to say that a wingspouse cannot have a job, but it is far more difficult to maintain due to relocations, scheduled business functions, and constant spousal absence. The best wingspouse careers are those that compliment the executive spouse’s career. This way, both spouses are able to work with the benefit and coordination of the other.

Several people have asked if the wingspouse concept is a sexist one, since many of the topics appear to relate more to women. To those people, I suggest that gender role does not play a part in determining if a man or woman can successfully execute the wingspouse role,  but social boundaries do. Men would have a much more difficult time networking and building relationships, since they would have to work with the handicap of being men who were approaching other women to initiate conversation and extend invitations to network over lunch. Believe it of not, men would find it hard to function in a woman’s world.  If you think I’m off-base with this comment, just ask Todd Krater, A Man Among Mommies.

Todd is a dad with a wonderful heart, willing to give his all to his family. If any man could be a wingspouse, Todd would be the best. The problem he experiences every day is the unwillingness of women to accept him in this role. Yes, Todd experiences reverse discrimination on a daily basis. In one of his blog posts, he celebrates going out for drinks with the other moms and being introduced as one of gals. This statement is reminiscent of the 80’s when women started being invited to leadership training seminars.

Another dad who is trying to break gender stereotypes is Bruce Sallan of A Dad’s Point of View. He writes about handling role reversal and even dares to give advice on parenting, marriage, and gender differences. How many modern women are ready to ask a man for gender-specific advice? But you would feel comfortable getting gender-specific advice from a woman, wouldn’t you?

If women want to attack me for recognizing that women make better wingspouses FOR NOW, then they should stop trying to shoot the messenger and look in the mirror. YOU (ladies) limit the ability for men to assume roles that used to be carried out by women. Change this mindset and you change the playing field.

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Posted in Defining a Wingspouse, Feminist or Feminism?, Random Thoughts | 8 Comments »

Feminists and Traditionalists Unite!

July 21st, 2009 by Kathi the Wingspouse

I was talking with another wingspouse recently, about the qualities that make up a good wingspouse (an executive wife who helps her spouse advance). We threw out several descriptors but became quite animated when we agreed on the term chameleon. We agreed that much of what we do is adapt to current needs and constantly learn new skills. However, when we tried to define whether our role was more traditional or feminist, we stumbled. We both felt professionally empowered and incredibly successful, but we realized that giving up our own careers for the stay-at-home life normally falls under the traditional wife. If we had not married executives, we clearly would have been climbing the corporate ladder somewhere, but somehow we had both come to the realization that serving as our husband’s partners was the way to have it all. Perhaps our non-traditional feminist approach to being a traditional SAHM was yet another example of our chameleon quality.

Not too long ago, the New York Times posted the article, Liberated and Unhappy, revealing a study that had found American women to be more liberated, but less happy. The article states,”Male happiness has inched up, and female happiness has dropped. In postfeminist America, men are happier than women.”Could this be why some of us have chosen to accept the SAHM role and get our career satisfaction through our spouses? I certainly believe this is the reason. I was so fascinated by this NYT article that I opened the link to the original study “The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness,”and then found another fascinating article, Why Are Women Liberated But Unhappy,  which piggybacked on the NYT piece. This article was provided on a blog giving dating advice for men, but the insight into today’s woman was impressive. This article claimed that the feminist movement refocused women’s attention on money, rather than family. I wanted to be offended by this statement but they supported it well, pointing out that divorce had become more common (and more lucrative for women) as the feminist movement fought for equal careers and equal shares in the case of divorce. I know that if I had insisted on keeping my career while my husband worked as CMO, we wouldn’t be together now – partly because I couldn’t have relocated as his job required, and partly because I would have grown to despise when I was left to carry the family and house duties after a full day’s work. I also know my husband wouldn’t have had the ability to be so successful without my willingness to participate. Am I the exception to be happy with this arrangement? We are quite financially successful, but I don’t consider such status the measuring stick of success.

The article also proposed that when women fought for equal sexual freedom, everything fell apart. I wasn’t sure how to process THAT one. I don’t want anyone telling me I have to live with a double standard, but whoever said  cheating was acceptable for either gender? Isn’t it possible that women better understand the important of an intact family and don’t allow themselves to stray? Here I thought sexual freedom meant I got equal attention! Again… I’m quite happy.

So here’s my revelation: Maybe a wingspouse is the new and improved blending of the feminist who strives for success and the traditionalist who protects family values. A wingspouse is the ultimate feminist because when she does something, she does it to her fullest and with the expectation that the goal will be reached. She does it because SHE chooses to and because it is valuable. She is the secret weapon every executive man wishes he had. At the same time, a wingspouse understands the importance of those traditional values that have recently been trampled. She knows that a loving family free of divorce is usually the best option for raising children and enjoying life. She is happy to sacrifice for the love of her husband and children because there is value and reward in it.

I’m no longer going to allow others to fit me into one peg or another. I’m both of these and I’m happy! Can you say the same? I’d like to hear from you. Do you think the two can exist together?

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Posted in Feminist or Feminism?, Random Thoughts | 3 Comments »

A Wingspouse Knows Her Place

June 5th, 2009 by Kathi the Wingspouse

by Kathi Browne

It’s amazing how many women are on the verge of being wingspouses, but just don’t know where to begin. They know the value of having one parent stay home, and yet they want the challenges and victories of a career, too. While many women are capable and willing to partner with their spouses, they can’t figure out how to get started.  In many cases, they don’t know where to start because they don’t know how to apply their own skill set to the career they wish to share. They haven’t embraced their own “See – E – O” role.

SEE (See and learn what he does): When any good CEO evaluates a job opportunity, he looks up the mission statement, the CEO bio, and and any other information that reveals information about how the company operates. He becomes familiar with the potential company. It’s no different for the wingspouse in training. A wingspouse cannot know how she can best serve until she knows what her spouse does and why he does it. This takes time. The executive husband must be observed to gain a better understanding of his duties, responsibilities, and his mission – not superficially, but intimately – so that she understands when something applies to him and when it doesn’t.

E (Evaluate his needs): A successful CEO surveys the needs of the company to determine how his skill set may serve those needs.  He understands he can’t meet all of their needs, and that he is most successful focusing his attention where he is the strongest. A wingspouse should do the same. She may not be able to plan next year’s budget, but can she spot a good article on creative staffing when she stumbles across it? She may not work in his HR department, but is she exposed to a lot of people and could she spot a good candidate if she met one? She may not have the ability to propose a new product line, but does she have the knowledge base necessary to introduce her spouse to new technology, needs or practices as they develop?

Even beyond identifying general needs within her spouse’s role, a wingspouse should begin identifying areas where her spouse is less proficient. Within those areas, a wingspouse can enhance her partner where she excels. If, for example, a spouse is weak in written communication, the wingspouse may be well-suited to assist in written communication or editing. If a spouse is not comfortable in a social setting, the wingspouse may keep turn on her social charm. Where a wingspouse has an area of expertise (technologies, social media, broadcasting, accounting, etc.), she may be well-suited to give instruction or assistance as it is applicable. A wingspouse partnership should be a custom fit.

O (Offer her services): By the time a CEO submits his resume or CV, he already knows what he has to offer. He has pinpointed one or two areas where he could improve on what they  currently have and he’s ready to present his worth if they ask. Perhaps there is a difference here with the wingspouse approach. Most executive spouses would never ask. This is not to say that they don’t want such a partnership, but they don’t know it’s available. Not only is the concept new, but those who already embrace the concept rarely recognize how unique they truly are. They only know it works for them and they’re happy. If an executive wife wants to evolve into a wingspouse, she has to be the one to initiate. She has to stay informed, show a genuine interest in her spouse’s daily operations, and seize the opportunity to participate when it arises. A good starting point may be simply sharing magazine articles, news clippings, or internet sites that may interest her spouse. Each offering should be carefully evaluated by the wingspouse to determine if she was truly helpful or missing the mark. Slowly, the wingspouse will learn where she can best participate, and the spouse will begin to appreciate her contributions and even invite them.

The critical piece is the spouse’s willingness to embrace this team concept. If a spouse is not willing to talk about the intricacies of his job, or does not trust his partner to keep information confidential, then the true wingspouse benefits cannot be realized. However, if he is willing to open the door to her, the two can form a symbiotic relationship that will unite them beyond meals and children. Their relationship will becomes a partnership in marriage AND career, where together they realize the successes of both.


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Posted in Defining a Wingspouse, Feminist or Feminism?, Random Thoughts | 3 Comments »