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Posts Tagged ‘corporate wife’

The Blind Side Seen from Both Sides of Track

January 6th, 2010 by Kathi the wingspouse

My son asked me on a date. That may seem like a silly thing to get all excited about if you don’t have teenage boys, but it IS a big deal. Adam will be leaving for college next spring and this “leaving the nest” process is a painful one packed with constant conflict. So when he asked me to go see The Blind Side with him, I was touched.

I usually detest going to the movies. I can’t sit still that long, and I’m terrible at recognizing faces so I frequently get lost in who’s doing what. This movie (based on a true story) was easy to follow, though. It was inspiring, too. Watching Michael Oher (played by Quinton Aaron) explore all the possibilities put before him despite his current situation, was moving. For the first time, I enjoyed watching football. I’ll bet this movie inspires a lot of disadvantaged children to find their best attribute and work hard to make something of it. Michael certainly did. At the end of the movie, a clip of the real Michael Oher was shown… now I may have to start cheering for the Ravens now.

Michael was inspiring, but his mother, Leigh Anne (played by Sandra Bullock), deserves a mention too. I don’t know if the real Leigh Anne was so persistent, but I liked her character! Leigh saw what needed to be done and got down to business. Her school and community involvement came in handy, too. Wonder if she would consider herself a wingspouse??? The movie started bringing back memories… and a few regrets.

Years ago when Mark and I were just starting out, we signed up for a program to take in unwed pregnant women. We were never assigned anyone (probably because we had little ones at home). A couple of years later, we entertained taking in a homeless family to get them on their feet, but were talked out of it by an IHN volunteer. I wonder how different that family would have been. One more missed opportunity…

Do you think it’s crazy to invite an unfamiliar person into your home when you have children at home? How does a person weigh their own childrens’ safety against a stranger’s need? This is always a struggle for me. Can the eyes tell who’s hiding behind them? When I think about my own son considering taking in a stranger, the mother in me knows I would not be so supportive. Is this just a problem that repeats itself?

P.S. There is a great interview with the real Leigh Anne. Check it out.

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Posted in Raising Children, Random Thoughts | 5 Comments »

Making Your Home Sweet Home

December 24th, 2009 by Kathi the wingspouse

Moving again? It’s always tough to get settled and feel like you’re “home.” Another wingspouse shared her secret to making her husband feel settled sooner. She hangs the same plaque in the front entrance of every home they move to. Dori packs this little treasure where she can find it quickly, and then hangs it as soon as the moving crew leaves. Her husband associates “home” with this wall decoration and looks for it when he comes in the door.

After Dori shared her secret with me, i started to reflect back on our moves. We also had a consistent item that existed in every home we lived in… I just hadn’t realized the significance. We built our first home while Mark was still in practice. We thought it was going to be the home where we would stay, raise children, and eventually retire. We poured our hearts (and money) into the design of this home and finished it off with a beautiful dwarf japanese maple in the front landscaping. Three years later, we were packing up to accept a full-time VPMA position elsewhere. The home we chose also had a japanese maple in the front yard, and we joked that it was a sign we were meant to live there. This pattern continued until our last move, when Mark became a full-time consultant. Our new home didn’t have a japanese maple in the front yard, so… we put one in. Coincidence? I don’t think so. A Japanese maple tree is our “plaque.”

My friend recognized that a simple consistency, a familiar item on the wall or in the front yard, can be comfort food to the soul. What is your family’s symbol of “home?” What have you done to take advantage of it’s comforting effects?

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Posted in Around the House, Career Tips for Wingspouses | No Comments »

Recipe for Classy Cookies that Impress

December 16th, 2009 by Kathi the wingspouse

Everyone loves edible art. Painted cookies are right up there as one of my favorite goodies to bring to the office. The first time I proposed our family spend a day icing cookies, there were sighs and moans. Since when did boys like to decorate cookies? – Since I found this cool technique to really make it fun. In fact, just yesterday I invited another family over to decorate with us. My friend didn’t think her 15 year old son would be very excited about decorating, but he ended up making several to give to his girlfriend. Can you say “cool points?”

cookieDon’t worry about having all kinds of special tools and ingredients. The only mildly unsual ingredient is powdered egg whites and once you find it, it stays good a long time. Believe it or not, I use plastic baggies to pipe the icing on. It’s fast, easy to handle, and I throw them away when I’m done.

Here’s the secret… Use the icing recipe below, because it has the right texture and dries hard enough to transport later.

Here’s the technique… Put some icing in a baggie and rubberband it shut. Snip off one tiny corner to use for piping. Do this for each color you’re using. Draw bullseyes on the cookie in different colors so they touch each other. Now drag a toothpick from the center of the cookie to one of the points. Repeat for each point until the cookie is symetrical. If you want a flower petal appearance, do the same thing but then drag the toothpick between the first set of lines but in the reverse direction (outside to center). Baggies and toothpicks also make it easy to drop dots or swirls of color on the snowflakes. Candied beads also dress up the cookies nicely. Since metallic beads are no longer considered safe to eat, I buy “naked” candies beads and roll them in cookie luster dust, purchased online.

If you want some great cookie dough recipes, email me. I have a nice sugar cookie, chocolate almond cookie, or spiced gingerbread cookie recipe I’ll send you.
cookies

Cookie Icing Recipe

Ingredients:

  • 1 16-oz bag powdered sugar
  • 3 Tbsp meringue powder (or powdered egg whites)
  • paste food colorings (to make vivid colors)
  • 1 tsp flavored extract (lemon, almond, buttercream, orange, vanilla, etc)

Directions:

Mix at low speed, powdered sugar, meringue powder, and 1/3 cup warm water until mixture is stiff and knife comes out clean, about 7 minutes. Now add extract and enough water so that the icing briefly holds its shape but then blends back in. Mix well. This extra water thins the icing so the colors can bleed on the cookie.

Divide the icing into separate baggies and then tint each frosting bag with food colorings or pastes as desired (pastes will give you more vivid colors). I always buy the primary paste colors and mix everything else. Those colors enable you to mix everything from Christmas colors to the 70’s style flower child orange-great for flowers.

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Posted in Around the House, Holiday thoughts, Recipes | 3 Comments »

Christmas Gift Ideas for Executives

December 11th, 2009 by Kathi the wingspouse

If your spouse is like mine, you have a hard time knowing what to buy. My spouse is always buying whatever he needs, even if it’s close to a holiday! One year, I tried to be creative and bought him a nose hair trimmer… that didn’t go over too well. So in an effort to save you similar embarrassment, here are some of my top picks for gifts. I’m providing links to buy it (and yes, I make a few cents on every purchase) so you don’t have to look all over trying to figure out what I’m talking about. All of these items are in our home, so I’m speaking form personal experience.

If your spouse keeps track of business reimbursements…

NeatReceipts by Neat Company  is awesome. It is a scanner and software combination that scans in receipts and magically creates a spreadsheet from the receipt information. There is a portable version (that’s my pick), and there is a desktop version if your spouse needs to scan fast and furious. My husband usedto be really bad about turning in receipts on time. Now he just scans them every evening from the hotel, home, or on the plane. I asked for one myself, now that I’m starting my wingspouse business.

NeatReceipts Mobile Scanner and Digital Filing System

If your spouse sells products or services…

This book, good in a room by Stephanie Palmer, is a great read. Stephanie teaches how to figure out what a client wants so you can sell your product with that in mind. This book is good advice for selling anything, like a proposal, a request for funding, or even yourself.

Good in a Room: How to Sell Yourself (and Your Ideas) and Win Over Any Audience

If your spouse is overwhelmed with work…

Margin: The Overload Syndrome by Richard Swenson, MD is a wonderful book to motivate a person to pay attention to emotional and physical health, as well as time and finances. He guides the overloaded person through making a plan to take back control.
The Overload Syndrome: Learning to Live Within Your Limits

If your spouse travels internationally…

A passport portfolio would come in handy. Make sure it is leather (so it holds up) and has several slots for passports and credit cards. An outside pocket for tickets is especially handy. My husband was reluctant to use his at first because he thought it was one step closer to carrying a purse (yes, I bought him a man bag one year). However, once he started using it he couldn’t do without it. Even when our family travels internationally, he takes it and stores all of our passports in one place. I couldn’t find the one he has online, but this one looks similar (it’s sold out, but at least you know what it looks like.

There’s also one that is “data safe.” It’s much more expensive, but apparently important to some people.
DataSafe® RFID Shielding Security Wallet, Passport & Travel Wallet

If your spouse is starting a business…

Art of the Start by Guy Kawasaki is an old-time classic and a must read. This book really walked you through figuring out what your business is and how you want to proceed.

The Art of the Start: The Time-Tested, Battle-Hardened Guide for Anyone Starting Anything


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Posted in Holiday thoughts | No Comments »

What is Your Vision Statement

December 8th, 2009 by Kathi the wingspouse

Every so often, I step back and reexamine why I’m doing what I’m doing. Over the years, my reasons have changed and my goals have changed, too. But during each phase, I had a goal… a vision statement.

If you would have asked me fifteen years ago where I wanted to be when I was fifty, I would have answered, “to be a successful business women – maybe a project director in the computer industry. Keeping my skill set fresh and competitive would have been a priority. I wanted to know I could succeed.

Ten years ago, I would have said I wanted to remain a stay-at-home mom and write a book some day. I knew I would never get back into corporate life, and writing a book seemed like a real accomplishment. Anyway, my college training was in creative writing and I didn’t want to waste my talent.

Five years ago, I would have said I was content partnering with my husband and raising good kids. I didn’t care if I impressed anyone else. I just wanted to have as many new challenges as possible and keep learning.

Now, it has all come full circle. About a year ago, I realized my children were nearly grown and I was going to have a lot more time. I wanted to pull all of my skills and experiences together and reinvent myself... a new and improved ME. I started polishing my skills in designing online help, but I felt no passion. I studied SARBOX in an effort to be really good in a relatively new field, but that was boring. I met with several advertising professionals and realized how much I enjoy being creative . I considered writing a book. As practice, I created this blog and also started submitting articles to other media sources. I couldn’t get excited about fiction like I used to, so I started writing a book about my life as an executive wife. I thought some of my stories would be entertaining to others. Somewhere along the way, I realized I was really passionate about sharing my wingspouse concept, and other executive spouses were benefiting from it, too. This was a “ME” I hadn’t expected.

I wish someone had told me to plan for the future a little bit better. I would have put more effort into developing some of my skills. It never occurred to me that I might suddenly find myself having to provide for the family, and thank goodness that didn’t happen. Some of my friends weren’t that lucky. Divorce, death, job losses… caught some of my friends off guard. It also never occurred to me that I might WANT to do something completely different some day. Fifty seemed so old back then. Yet here I am today, with more experience and passion than ever! I’m just getting started.

What is your motivation right now? Do you have a vision for today, and a plan for tomorrow? If you don’t have a vision statement, get one. Know with conviction why you do what you do, and how you can best do it. Use your vision statement to make a plan for the future, so you have options when the time comes.

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Posted in Career Tips for Wingspouses | No Comments »

Secrets to Being a Happy Couple

December 1st, 2009 by Kathi the wingspouse

Others can tell when a spouse is truly happy. There’s a certain look of contentment that can’t be faked, and a flirtatious smile that exchanges between the executive and the spouse, even in public. It’s easy to gravitate to a spouse who seems to have life figured out. The desire to have some of it rub off is overwhelming. So what is the secret? I conducted my own unofficial survey, reading other executive spouse blogs and talking with people directly. Here are the secrets I found to be most common… in order of importance.

“My spouse is my best friend,” was a comment nearly every time. Happy couples invest time not only in loving each other, but liking each other, too. They treat each other as friends first, and lovers second. Now this may sound like an easy accomplishment, but if you’re not already there it takes some work. First step in becoming best friends is to always assume the best of each other. When something doesn’t go in your favor, assume there’s a good reason or your spouse would have acted differently.

Date nights are as sacred as a board meeting. Happy couples know the importance of courting each other long after the wedding ceremony. They protect their time together as an important piece of success. Romantic acts are an important part of saying “I still love you” so don’t give them the same priority as mowing the lawn. Otherwise, your partner may not be there when you finally find the time.

Mutual goals help couples make decisions together. When a couple agrees on dreams and priorities, decisions come easier. Couples who made seemly difficult decisions with little regret often shared with clarity the motivation behind those hard choice. Whether an executive walked away from a successful position or a spouse prepared for residency in a foreign country, happy couples were unified in the reasons for those choices. If you and your spouse haven’t set parameters for what drives your decisions, don’t wait any longer. When you both agree on what is most important, you will be able to make hard decisions easily. If retiring early is important so you can spend more time with grandkids, then moving to Japan where there is an attractive retirement package will be easier to consider. If staying close to ailing parents is a goal, then passing on the job promotion that requires relocation is not a hard decision. Whatever decision you are faced with, face it head on together.

Too many executive couples dissolve before they reach the peak of marital success, simply because they fail to maintain relationships and don’t have a clear vision statement. If marriages were corporations… well, you know how that would end.

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Posted in Career Tips for Wingspouses, For the Executive, marriage/divorce | 2 Comments »

Did I Say That

November 25th, 2009 by Kathi the wingspouse

Years ago, I had the pleasure to live in a wonderful small city where the people were unbelievably generous and the cultural opportunities were impressive. There was a lot of old money in this town, but it was quietly poured back into the museums, symphony, parks, and biking trails that benefited us all. When I got involved with several fundraising campaigns, I was told to watch what I said because everyone was related to SOMEBODY. It was good advice, and it made me realize how frequently we say things without a thought of the impact it might have. Thoughtless comments have the potential to get back to someone who may become offended, and may also have negative consequences to you or your spouse. Here’s an example.

The other day, I was searching the internet for some information when I stumbled onto a blog talking about the issues of being a corporate wife. She had a misconception that being married to an executive meant having social commitments imposed, a dress code enforced, and mandatory party attendance required. As I read the post, I got the impression she was facing the possibility of living the corporate wife life and I wanted her to know how wonderful it can be. I commented, explaining that a corporate wife doesn’t live a life of servitude. She makes choices. I wrote that choosing to stay home to raise children or supporting a husband in his career was an investment in the future, no different than investing in a career by taking classes or attending company events. Both have benefits and rewards. I suggested she check out my blog, and I clicked SUBMIT.

Later that day, I received the following email:

Are you for real?? You need to step back into the 1950’s where you belong. Your philosophy steps women back so far. Is your spouse such a control freak to you and your children that this is your role in life?? Put on your apron June Cleaver. Or is it wrap yourself nude in cellophane and meet your man at the door. Unbelievable.


I didn’t expect that. Not only had she not approved my comment, but she attacked me for my good intentions. As I stared at the email, I noticed she had signed her full name, and provided a phone number. Oddly, that name looked familiar. The phone number she provided was out of Chicago, but the connection I remembered was from the Cincinnati/Dayton area. The company she worked for was listed below in a legal statement, and it was a company in the medical field. Could it be a coincident?

I was curious now, so I googled her name and the company. A linkedin profile matched, listing Cincinnati as her location. Did she know I was from that area? Did she have any idea my husband had worked in a neighboring hospital? I’m sure the thought never crossed her mind. Not only had she insulted me, but she was a less than desirable spokesperson for her employer.

Have you ever had a “six degrees of separation” experience?

Related Topic:
Managing Your Spouse 101

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Posted in Career Tips for Wingspouses, For the Executive | No Comments »

How to Improve Odds of Staying Put

November 17th, 2009 by Kathi the wingspouse

Sometimes leaders want to move on. Many times, they see the writing on the wall; their job will soon be gone and they want to be proactive. Other times, they are just not happy. While some of the reasons for being discontent are not in your control, some of them are. If you really like where you are and want to stay there as long as possible, minimize the risks of a move however you can. Here are some ways you can impact common reasons executives become unhappy.

  1. Don’t make money an issue. Be content with what you have and let your spouse know you’re happy. Compensation is a big reason some executives leave voluntarily.
  2. Be a sounding board if your spouse expresses concerns about his position or the company. Encourage him to explore ways he might rectify the situation, and let him know you’re willing to help any way you can.
  3. Minimize stress anywhere you can. Make it easy to go to work and come home. Stress is not only miserable, it’s dangerous to one’s health!
  4. Be flexible to enable family time whenever possible. Successfully having work family balance goes a long way.
  5. Build a good rapport with the people who work with your spouse. Be likable. Poor work relationships were cited as one of the  top ten reasons executives become dissatisfied.

Addressing these points won’t guarantee a longer stay, but it may make a difference. It certainly will benefit you both. Final word of advice, though, is know when to give it up. If your partner insists it’s time to move on, trust that decision. There may be more to it than you will ever know. The environment may be hostile… He may be in over his head… Financials may paint a bleak picture that can’t be discussed… There may be temptations too great to ignore… Some things are out of your control.

Related Articles:
Job Satisfaction Climbs During Downturn
Top Reasons Why Executives Leave

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Posted in Career Tips for Wingspouses, job hunt/employment | 2 Comments »

Should Spouses Get Paid Too

November 3rd, 2009 by Kathi the wingspouse

If you’re already on the wingspouse track, you know the time and energy spouses like us invest in the executive career. We spend countless hours learning a new skill, researching people or businesses, shmoozing clients, and being the eyes and ears in the community. So why shouldn’t we get paid for it? How many of us have spent our own money to accompany our executive spouses on a business trip where we worked a room? Apparently some HR professionals are having the same thoughts.

A 2004 article published by HR Magazine, The very model of a modern CEO, recognizes that spouses have a “tremendous impact” on the success of CEOs, as well as organizations. They even suggest a job description should be created so spouse participation can be negotiated up front. Perhaps they are shortchanging themselves by stopping with the CEO. Spouses of many other executives (COOs, CMOs, CFO’s, VPMAs, District Managers, etc.) are also quite skilled in affecting the bottom line. Should this subject be broached during the interview process?

Before you cheer in support, step back and think about the long-term impact. Sure, a contract will guarantee you recognition for your role in the wingspouse partnership, but will it also affect both of you negatively? Will your executive partner now be expected to outperform everyone else because your role is part of the package? Will you become trapped in an ever-expanding spousal job description? What if you decide to pursue a separate career down the road… will your executive partner have to renegotiate his contract? Wait. There’s more. HR Magazine’s article also suggested that a spouse’s job description could work like a menu, containing a list of things the spouse could and couldn’t do. Do you really want to be told what you cannot do? Isn’t that taking a step backwards? Of course, you could always walk away when you got uncomfortable with what was being asked of you… or could you?

The playing field changes when you are expected to perform alongside your spouse. The advantage of partnering quietly with your spouse is that you have an unfair advantage, and your spouse does too. This advantage is what leads to recognition for an impressive track record, the best positions, and the sweetest negotiation deals. Playing the role of secret weapon has better payoff in the long run, than negotiating a few business trips and symphony tickets. If you’re lucky and the organization is smart, the company will recognize you play some part in it’s success and reward you without any strings attached.

With all this food for thought, let’s revisit the original question. Should spouses get paid, too? Yes, we should. Do we want to be paid? Don’t think so. If an organization does approach you with suggestions or expectations, recognize the importance of boundaries and assure them you have their best interests in mind. Let them know you always welcome invitations to accompany and support your spouse, and that such opportunities might be mutually beneficial. Beyond that, you may be inviting trouble.

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Posted in Defining a Wingspouse, job hunt/employment | 4 Comments »

Six Degrees of Separation (Plus or Minus Four)

October 26th, 2009 by Kathi the wingspouse

John Guare, creator of the play Six Degrees of Separation, was more right than people gave him credit for when he presented the Kevin Bacon concept. His understanding of how closely people’s lives are intertwined was truly insightful. One of the characters in his play says:

“I read somewhere that everybody on this planet is separated by only six other people. Six degrees of separation….It’s a profound thought….How every person is a new door, opening up into other worlds.”

Take a moment to consider that statement. Every person you talk to is no more than six people away from knowing the person you are talking about! If you don’t live in a large city, that separation may actually be closer to three or four. This theory of six degrees was tested in 2007 by Eric Horvitz of Microsoft Research and Jure Leskovec of Carnegie Mellon University. Cutting to the chase of their results… people are indeed separated by an average path length of 6.8. So, the next time you begin to say something you wouldn’t want repeated, think about who might end up hearing it.

On the other hand,  this concept can also work to your advantage. If you want to connect with a specific person, start reaching out. Six degrees isn’t that much and taking on the challenge might be fun!

Related Link:
Proof of Six Degrees of Separation

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Posted in Career Tips for Wingspouses | No Comments »
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