Wingspouse Blog

I was talking with another wingspouse recently, about the qualities that make up a good wingspouse (an executive wife who helps her spouse advance). We threw out several descriptors but became quite animated when we agreed on the term chameleon. We agreed that much of what we do is adapt to current needs and constantly learn new skills. However, when we tried to define whether our role was more traditional or feminist, we stumbled. We both felt professionally empowered and incredibly successful, but we realized that giving up our own careers for the stay-at-home life normally falls under the traditional wife. If we had not married executives, we clearly would have been climbing the corporate ladder somewhere, but somehow we had both come to the realization that serving as our husband’s partners was the way to have it all. Perhaps our non-traditional feminist approach to being a traditional SAHM was yet another example of our chameleon quality.

Not too long ago, the New York Times posted the article, Liberated and Unhappy, revealing a study that had found American women to be more liberated, but less happy. The article states,”Male happiness has inched up, and female happiness has dropped. In postfeminist America, men are happier than women.”Could this be why some of us have chosen to accept the SAHM role and get our career satisfaction through our spouses? I certainly believe this is the reason. I was so fascinated by this NYT article that I opened the link to the original study “The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness,”and then found another fascinating article, Why Are Women Liberated But Unhappy,  which piggybacked on the NYT piece. This article was provided on a blog giving dating advice for men, but the insight into today’s woman was impressive. This article claimed that the feminist movement refocused women’s attention on money, rather than family. I wanted to be offended by this statement but they supported it well, pointing out that divorce had become more common (and more lucrative for women) as the feminist movement fought for equal careers and equal shares in the case of divorce. I know that if I had insisted on keeping my career while my husband worked as CMO, we wouldn’t be together now – partly because I couldn’t have relocated as his job required, and partly because I would have grown to despise when I was left to carry the family and house duties after a full day’s work. I also know my husband wouldn’t have had the ability to be so successful without my willingness to participate. Am I the exception to be happy with this arrangement? We are quite financially successful, but I don’t consider such status the measuring stick of success.

The article also proposed that when women fought for equal sexual freedom, everything fell apart. I wasn’t sure how to process THAT one. I don’t want anyone telling me I have to live with a double standard, but whoever said  cheating was acceptable for either gender? Isn’t it possible that women better understand the important of an intact family and don’t allow themselves to stray? Here I thought sexual freedom meant I got equal attention! Again… I’m quite happy.

So here’s my revelation: Maybe a wingspouse is the new and improved blending of the feminist who strives for success and the traditionalist who protects family values. A wingspouse is the ultimate feminist because when she does something, she does it to her fullest and with the expectation that the goal will be reached. She does it because SHE chooses to and because it is valuable. She is the secret weapon every executive man wishes he had. At the same time, a wingspouse understands the importance of those traditional values that have recently been trampled. She knows that a loving family free of divorce is usually the best option for raising children and enjoying life. She is happy to sacrifice for the love of her husband and children because there is value and reward in it.

I’m no longer going to allow others to fit me into one peg or another. I’m both of these and I’m happy! Can you say the same? I’d like to hear from you. Do you think the two can exist together?