Wingspouse Blog

Dysfunctions within a family can negatively impact daily operations as well as long-term relationships at home. If these dysfunctions are recognized and redirected, happier times may lie ahead. In the book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Lencioni points out five dysfunctions that exist within the ranks of a fictitious company, holding it back from realizing it’s own potential. It’s a great read for any company CEO, but isn’t applicable to someone running a family. Here are five dysfunctions that a wingspouse may find helpful.

Failure to Communicate: Teens don’t speak in full sentences. Their world is made up of text messages and short conversations as they pass each other on the way to class. Rarely do teens chat on the phone, let alone write a letter or send a card. These forms of communication are too slow, and interrupt what they’re doing. What should you do to have better communication with your teen? Modify your communication approach. During the day, send text messages just to say hello or to check on them. This is your way of letting them know you’re there without showing up in curlers and waving from the school parking lot. Save intimate conversations for those moments when nothing else is distracting them – like bedtime, or just as they arrive home from school. The best time to ask about school is right after school, before they do a brain dump. The best time to talk about hopes and dreams is just before they go to sleep. Seize those opportunities before they no longer exist.

Misplaced Sense of Belonging: Teens have a pack mentality. They need to belong to a group and will sometimes divulge private information in order to be accepted. Be careful what is said in front of them and clearly communicate when something is not to be repeated. A teen learns by example, so when an opportunity arises to share an embarrassing fact about them… DON’T! Build a relationship of mutual respect. Teach them how to be discerning in what they say and respect confidentially. As they exhibit restraint, invite them into the “inner circle” by trusting them with something small. Include them in vacation plans and tell them the destination is confidential so work doesn’t interrupt vacation time. This is an excellent way for them to practice confidentiality in a way they will likely succeed. Be prepared for disappointments, though, as it is nearly impossible to avoid the occasional shared secret among friends. It is also imperative that the teen is not given the freedom of an adult. Even though your teen may have life experiences that result in a more mature outlook, the pack mentality will still get them into trouble.

Pursuit of Conflict: Independence is learned by testing boundaries, and teens want independence. A healthy teen will often push limits in an effort to acquire more autonomy. It’s a part of growing up. This is also their way of learning how to react to conflict. Too much independence early on can lead to trouble, however. Executive families often make the mistake of allowing teens to have more freedoms and responsibilities than they are prepared for, because one spouse is frequently absent and the other is overcommitted at home. Step back once in a while and reevaluate the level of independence that is in play. If the teen isn’t pushing for more responsibility, only freedom, then maybe too much is already being expected. If the teen is asking for both, then it may be time to take it to the next level. Plan ahead by deciding on issues that are open for discussion. Allow your teen to state their case, and then be thoughtful in your response. Giving them an occasional “win” while adding responsibility to the freedom prepares them for the real world. When boundaries are crossed, there should be consequences. Taking away items isn’t usually effective with teens who have an overabundance of “things.” Downgraded independence is sometimes the best motivator to respect boundaries.

Lack of Good Habits: Teens mimic what they see at home. Even though a child may suffer because of the habits of a parent, that child is still likely to copy them later in life. For this reason, it is important to develop good habits that compensate for the bad ones. This is especially important for a boy whose father works long hours. If that teen is not taught how to make quality time out of free time, he will grow up to be lonely man detached from their families. Likewise, if a girl continually sees her mother investing time and money into her appearance, she may put a higher value on her appearance than her potential. Explain why and when your habits are necessary, so your teen understands your actions. If one parent frequently works late, discuss why the hours are necessary and share how time will be spent together in return. Set your priorities as a family and invite all family members to challenge when those priorities are not being followed. This will teach the teen that priorities are too important to lose sight of.

Failure to be Recognized: More than anything, teens want to be recognized and validated by their parents. There is no substitute for the love a teen feels when they are given priority over something else. When you’re talking to your teen, give them your full attention even when you’re busy. Stop what you’re doing and show them they are more important than an email or stack of mail. Just as you want your spouse to give his full attention when you call, your child wants the same from you.

Identifying these five dysfunctions in your teen may not make you the perfect parent, but it may make you a more understanding one. Kids face so many obstacles today, and being a teen of an executive parent can intensify them. Stay a step ahead of your teen by anticipating these dysfunctions and preparing how to deal with them. Your teen will learn some important skills, and you’ll look smarter in the process.