I stumbled upon a post: A Dad’s Point of View: Do Men Have Strong Emotional Support by Bruce Sallan that really made me pause for a moment. As I began reading his post, I was enlightened to the idea that divorced men might have trouble coping with life, failure, and even success. But as I read on, the article continued to adhere to the idea that even in marriage, a man could not confide in his spouse. I flashed back to all those career manuals that talked about leaving work at the office. What horrible advice those books gave! I wanted to write to Bruce Sallan and tell him to rethink what he suggested. I wanted to share with him my own thoughts on the subject and perhaps reach out to other couples who have fallen prey to this misguided advice. In hopes that Bruce (and others like him) read my blog, this is what I would like to say to them:
While I agree that men need male buddies to provide support, the notion that “It isn’t always healthy to go to your spouse with every question or concern you might have…” is perhaps outdated advice. Women have lived through the period of inequality, the feminist movement, and now they realize marriage is not a symbol of ownership, but of perfect pairing. If a man begins to invite his wife into his whole life as an equal partner, anything can be safely discussed.
I invite men to crack open a new “door” and women to embrace a different kind of relationship: One where they lay down their own careers and instead partner with their spouses to share one successful career. By working together in all goals, the wife better understands the struggles and achievements of her husband and owns them with him. The two are able to talk about their internal struggles because they have both shared in all of the events that lead up to it. This eliminates the possibility that external sources of support will interfere, rather than address, a concern.
I hope at least one man or woman stumbles onto this post and stops to think about their own relationship. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my husband to listen to my deepest fears and insecurities. I also don’t know where our relationship would be if he had shared his struggles with his buddy, rather than with me. I may have never stepped up to the plate to become a wingspouse… or worse. I’m going to go meet my husband for lunch and ask him how his day is going.
The topic of balancing work and family seems to be coming up more regularly in social media. That alone isn’t really surprising, but what is unexpected is that many of the discussions are being initiated by professionals – not just by working women, but by men, too. It seems that both men and women are on the same page when it comes to preserving family time on the way up the ladder. Especially men are asking “how do I know when I am giving my family enough of my time?” This begs the question – Are spouses not answering this question?
