Posts Tagged ‘Wingspouse Resources’

Should Spouses Get Paid Too

If you’re already on the wingspouse track, you know the time and energy spouses like us invest in the executive career. We spend countless hours learning a new skill, researching people or businesses, shmoozing clients, and being the eyes and ears in the community. So why shouldn’t we get paid for it? How many of us have spent our own money to accompany our executive spouses on a business trip where we worked a room? Apparently some HR professionals are having the same thoughts.

A 2004 article published by HR Magazine, The very model of a modern CEO, recognizes that spouses have a “tremendous impact” on the success of CEOs, as well as organizations. They even suggest a job description should be created so spouse participation can be negotiated up front. Perhaps they are shortchanging themselves by stopping with the CEO. Spouses of many other executives (COOs, CMOs, CFO’s, VPMAs, District Managers, etc.) are also quite skilled in affecting the bottom line. Should this subject be broached during the interview process?

Before you cheer in support, step back and think about the long-term impact. Sure, a contract will guarantee you recognition for your role in the wingspouse partnership, but will it also affect both of you negatively? Will your executive partner now be expected to outperform everyone else because your role is part of the package? Will you become trapped in an ever-expanding spousal job description? What if you decide to pursue a separate career down the road… will your executive partner have to renegotiate his contract? Wait. There’s more. HR Magazine’s article also suggested that a spouse’s job description could work like a menu, containing a list of things the spouse could and couldn’t do. Do you really want to be told what you cannot do? Isn’t that taking a step backwards? Of course, you could always walk away when you got uncomfortable with what was being asked of you… or could you?

The playing field changes when you are expected to perform alongside your spouse. The advantage of partnering quietly with your spouse is that you have an unfair advantage, and your spouse does too. This advantage is what leads to recognition for an impressive track record, the best positions, and the sweetest negotiation deals. Playing the role of secret weapon has better payoff in the long run, than negotiating a few business trips and symphony tickets. If you’re lucky and the organization is smart, the company will recognize you play some part in it’s success and reward you without any strings attached.

With all this food for thought, let’s revisit the original question. Should spouses get paid, too? Yes, we should. Do we want to be paid? Don’t think so. If an organization does approach you with suggestions or expectations, recognize the importance of boundaries and assure them you have their best interests in mind. Let them know you always welcome invitations to accompany and support your spouse, and that such opportunities might be mutually beneficial. Beyond that, you may be inviting trouble.

Social Butterfly or Networking Animal

by Kathi Browne

Social events are great opportunities to make valuable connections. Whether a formal ball or a building dedication, the relationships you build there may be beneficial later. Skillful mingling is not difficult if you follow some simple guidelines.

Plan ahead. Make sure you have something to talk about if conversation runs dry. Start by reading up on the latest headlines so you are informed about the world around you. It’s also useful to know something about the people who will be attending. If the COO of the company just had a baby, you should probably know that. When all else fails, bring along an item that is sure to get attention… such as a beautiful brooch that your grandmother gave you, or a unique keychain you recently bought during a trip. With a few planned topics tucked away, you’re sure to have plenty to talk about.

Make a good first impression… a good entrance is everything. As you approach someone, open the door of conversation with a smile. A smile is an unspoken invitation and conveys that you’re happy to see them. Don’t pass on the traditional greetings like, “How are you?” or “You look stunning tonight.” Even though these greetings can seem trite, they are expected and a part of the social “dance.” As you begin conversation, pay attention to how you sound. Some people are quickly put off by high-pitched or squeaky voices. Likewise, hoarse or raspy voices can distract a person from hearing what you say because they’re waiting for you to clear your throat.

Appear confident. As you’re speaking, relax. Don’t stand at attention, don’t fold your arms in front of you, and don’t dance around like you have to go to the bathroom. These gestures make everyone uncomfortable and don’t convey self-confidence. Not sure what to do with your hands? Grab a drink or a cell phone and hold it as a prop. This will give you something to do with your hands, but leaves you free to extend a handshake when one is appropriate. Just be sure to hold the napkin between your right hand and the glass so you don’t end up shaking with a cold, clammy hand.

Listen at least half the time. Listening doesn’t mean shutting up, waiting for them to take a breath, and then interrupting. Listening is an art and requires that you pay attention to the other person’s body language, gestures, and voice inflections. Asking for clarification shows you are interested and that you respect their view. If a conversation isn’t taking off, ask a question that cannot be answered in a few words. This will engage the other party and they will appreciate talking with you all the more. Avoid disagreements, and only give advice when it’s solicited.

Seize opportunities. When appropriate, take advantage of these social events to create professional opportunities. Introduce your spouse into a conversation by repeating some interesting tidbit the other party just shared. Look for areas where you have something in common with other parties, so you can share an interest. Networking can be a lot of fun when both parties truly share a passion or hobby. As a conversation comes to a close, extend an invitation to meet up again in the future. Ask them for a business card or phone number to show you are sincere. They will likely ask for the same in return. When they do, write your home or cell number on it to give it a personal touch.

So next time you have the opportunity to attend a gathering, get excited. With a little bit of planning and a lot of being yourself, you can have fun AND make some good connections at the same time.

Oh No He/She Didn’t!!!

Several other blogs have been buzzing about my wingspouse concept, and OH has it been fun! I had no idea people could get so emotional about my willingness to support my husband, rather than get my own career. I also was unaware that folks would fixate on my reference to a wingspouse as a wife, rather than a spouse. Can they not understand that using the term spouse for the wingspouse and spouse for the spouse, would make for confusing sentences when referring to both spouses? (Sigh)

While I admit I’m not sold on the fact that many men would make good wingspouses (for a number of reasons), I’m willing to keep an open mind. So here goes…

A wingspouse is not a man/woman who chooses to stay home and raise a family. That role, referred to as a stay-at-home-dad/mom – is an admirable role of it’s own. A wingspouse is someone who is career minded, but has found himself/herself in a marriage where his/her spouse’s career makes a second career more difficult. This is not to say that a wingspouse cannot have a job, but it is far more difficult to maintain due to relocations, scheduled business functions, and constant spousal absence. The best wingspouse careers are those that compliment the executive spouse’s career. This way, both spouses are able to work with the benefit and coordination of the other.

Several people have asked if the wingspouse concept is a sexist one, since many of the topics appear to relate more to women. To those people, I suggest that gender role does not play a part in determining if a man or woman can successfully execute the wingspouse role,  but social boundaries do. Men would have a much more difficult time networking and building relationships, since they would have to work with the handicap of being men who were approaching other women to initiate conversation and extend invitations to network over lunch. Believe it of not, men would find it hard to function in a woman’s world.  If you think I’m off-base with this comment, just ask Todd Krater, A Man Among Mommies.

Todd is a dad with a wonderful heart, willing to give his all to his family. If any man could be a wingspouse, Todd would be the best. The problem he experiences every day is the unwillingness of women to accept him in this role. Yes, Todd experiences reverse discrimination on a daily basis. In one of his blog posts, he celebrates going out for drinks with the other moms and being introduced as one of gals. This statement is reminiscent of the 80’s when women started being invited to leadership training seminars.

Another dad who is trying to break gender stereotypes is Bruce Sallan of A Dad’s Point of View. He writes about handling role reversal and even dares to give advice on parenting, marriage, and gender differences. How many modern women are ready to ask a man for gender-specific advice? But you would feel comfortable getting gender-specific advice from a woman, wouldn’t you?

If women want to attack me for recognizing that women make better wingspouses FOR NOW, then they should stop trying to shoot the messenger and look in the mirror. YOU (ladies) limit the ability for men to assume roles that used to be carried out by women. Change this mindset and you change the playing field.

Feminists and Traditionalists Unite!

I was talking with another wingspouse recently, about the qualities that make up a good wingspouse (an executive wife who helps her spouse advance). We threw out several descriptors but became quite animated when we agreed on the term chameleon. We agreed that much of what we do is adapt to current needs and constantly learn new skills. However, when we tried to define whether our role was more traditional or feminist, we stumbled. We both felt professionally empowered and incredibly successful, but we realized that giving up our own careers for the stay-at-home life normally falls under the traditional wife. If we had not married executives, we clearly would have been climbing the corporate ladder somewhere, but somehow we had both come to the realization that serving as our husband’s partners was the way to have it all. Perhaps our non-traditional feminist approach to being a traditional SAHM was yet another example of our chameleon quality.

Not too long ago, the New York Times posted the article, Liberated and Unhappy, revealing a study that had found American women to be more liberated, but less happy. The article states,”Male happiness has inched up, and female happiness has dropped. In postfeminist America, men are happier than women.”Could this be why some of us have chosen to accept the SAHM role and get our career satisfaction through our spouses? I certainly believe this is the reason. I was so fascinated by this NYT article that I opened the link to the original study “The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness,”and then found another fascinating article, Why Are Women Liberated But Unhappy,  which piggybacked on the NYT piece. This article was provided on a blog giving dating advice for men, but the insight into today’s woman was impressive. This article claimed that the feminist movement refocused women’s attention on money, rather than family. I wanted to be offended by this statement but they supported it well, pointing out that divorce had become more common (and more lucrative for women) as the feminist movement fought for equal careers and equal shares in the case of divorce. I know that if I had insisted on keeping my career while my husband worked as CMO, we wouldn’t be together now – partly because I couldn’t have relocated as his job required, and partly because I would have grown to despise when I was left to carry the family and house duties after a full day’s work. I also know my husband wouldn’t have had the ability to be so successful without my willingness to participate. Am I the exception to be happy with this arrangement? We are quite financially successful, but I don’t consider such status the measuring stick of success.

The article also proposed that when women fought for equal sexual freedom, everything fell apart. I wasn’t sure how to process THAT one. I don’t want anyone telling me I have to live with a double standard, but whoever said  cheating was acceptable for either gender? Isn’t it possible that women better understand the important of an intact family and don’t allow themselves to stray? Here I thought sexual freedom meant I got equal attention! Again… I’m quite happy.

So here’s my revelation: Maybe a wingspouse is the new and improved blending of the feminist who strives for success and the traditionalist who protects family values. A wingspouse is the ultimate feminist because when she does something, she does it to her fullest and with the expectation that the goal will be reached. She does it because SHE chooses to and because it is valuable. She is the secret weapon every executive man wishes he had. At the same time, a wingspouse understands the importance of those traditional values that have recently been trampled. She knows that a loving family free of divorce is usually the best option for raising children and enjoying life. She is happy to sacrifice for the love of her husband and children because there is value and reward in it.

I’m no longer going to allow others to fit me into one peg or another. I’m both of these and I’m happy! Can you say the same? I’d like to hear from you. Do you think the two can exist together?

When the Worst Becomes Reality

by Kathi Browne

The executive life is one of many blessings; from financial stability to charitable gratification. Most executive spouses see more of the world than the average person, own more luxury items than most can afford, and enjoy experiences some never know exist. But there is a down side. When something goes wrong, everyone knows it. In fact, it becomes local (and in some cases, national or international) front-page news. There seems to be a hunger to exploit the misbehaviors of upper level figures, and revel in the imperfections of their family members. When a skeleton falls out of the closet, all eyes are on how the spouse and children respond. It is a time that truly tests a wingspouse.

Jenny Sanford, wife of S. Carolina governor Mark Sanford, has become familiar with this ugliness, as she dealt with her husband’s unfaithfulness and accusations of spending taxpayer dollars to visit his mistress. As the media asked her about the future of her marriage and even inquired as to whether she knew about improper use of state money, she was careful and polished in her response. Even so, the stress of dealing with the public at such a time began to wear on her. One time when a reporter asked about the governor’s future political career, Mrs. Sanford replied, “His career is not a concern of mine. He’s going to have to worry about that. I’m worried about my family and the character of my children.” Her response gave a small glimpse into the anger she must have felt as a wingspouse who has given so much of herself to her husband’s career. It also revealed her desire to protect the children from undeserved harm. At some point, she must have asked, “Am I better off to walk away, or accept the situation as yet another challenge we can overcome together?” She didn’t stand by him during press conferences, but she didn’t put any nails in his coffin either. She will be remembered for her graceful handling of the situation when it first unrolled, and for her refusal to allow her husband to blame her for his political demise. He did that all without her help.

Another wife who dealt with a similar issue is Lorna Wendt, ex-wife to GE Capital CEO GARY Wendt. After her husband asked for a divorce, she became enraged and went for the jugular. She filed a lawsuit, claiming she had directly impacted her husband’s earning potential. She revealed all the details of how she played an active role in his career, and showed up to court well-informed about their current financial status… and she won. She was awarded $20 million dollars, and later founded an organization (Equality in Marriage Institute) to promote equality in marriages. Her response to her husband’s infidelity was much different than Mrs. Sanford’s and the media reflected it. Rather than show Mr. Wendt as the cheating husband that he was, the media repeatedly painted Lorna as a money-hungry hag, whining because she wasn’t happy with the eight million she was first offered.

So what is the lesson here? Is it to protect yourself and expect the worst? Not at all. Instead, recognize that it can happen to anyone and don’t make yourself a victim. Be prepared to react wisely if the unexpected happens. It may not be infidelity – it may be substance abuse, accusations of embezzlement or fraud, or any other charge that makes headlines. Whatever the crisis, hold your head high and don’t react without forethought. Ride out the storm and keep your private business private. At some point, you may have to decide: Do you deserve something better, or will this situation bring you closer together? Nobody needs to know the details until they’re final.

Update: Then the smoke cleared, Jenny Sanford emerged with a tell all book called Staying True. Timing is everything.

Someone Else is on My Island

Being a wingspouse is a lonely proposition sometimes. You have to watch what you say, who you confide in, where you are seen, how you are perceived… and even if you find a friend you can trust, you don’t have much time to invest in the friendship. If you manage to build a friendship, you risk the chance of having to say goodbye when you move on to the next opportunity.

Today as I experienced a personal triumph, I wanted to pick up the phone and tell someone right away. Then I realized that I had just moved (again) and there wasn’t anyone in my life that had known me long enough to understand the significance of this accomplishment. The loneliness was painfully awkward. Normally when I feel this way, I call up my husband (and best friend) and he makes everything better. Today he was gone on another business trip.

I started to wonder how many other women share my loneliness and long to have someone who can relate. I imagined there had to be plenty, so why haven’t I heard from any of them here on my blog? I decided to search the internet for something that would affirm that my feelings were shared. I stumbled onto Colette Young’s site, execumate.net.

Colette is a corporate wife, married to the CEO of Dr. Pepper Snapple Group. Her site talks about the challenging opportunities of an executive spouse and how her support brings balance to their marriage. I felt instantly connected knowing someone else recognized the expectations placed on us. While I don’t agree with her willingness to perpetuate the notion that corporate America dictates how we act and what we where, I did appreciate her acknowledging that the corporate lifestyle has a profound impact on us as spouses. Before I could second-guess myself, I had sent her an email, greeting her as if we had known each other since childhood. It made my day. I didn’t feel so alone knowing someone else was on this “island” with me.

Yes… It’s lonely being a wingspouse, with family reachable only by phone and my mother going through chemo right now. So, for tonight I’ll celebrate the discovery of a new potential friend who just may relate to me as I have never known.

Good night, Colette. Nice to meet you.

Wowing Your Partner

Being a wingspouse isn’t different from any other career. You have to be professional, trustworthy and genuine. Your product is either marketable, or it’s not. Customers either like you, or they don’t. But who is ? As the wife of an executive, your most important customers are your husband’s boss and co-workers. Their attitude toward you can significantly impact your husband’s career.

I remember being asked (during one of my husband’s past interviews) if I was willing to accept the “First Lady” role. I laughed at the time, naive to what that really meant, but later I understood. My interaction with others has the potential to keep a customer happy or leave them wanting to “return the product” – my husband being the product. My role as the wife of a C-suite executive isn’t a whole lot different from the position held by any US Presidents’ wife, although I’ve never met the queen.

In order to successfully market yourself and your product, you need to be resourceful. How can you present yourself as having the qualities that reflect well onto your husband? First, you have to figure out what makes you different from the next First Lady. What is your “wow factor” and how can you apply it to your customers and community? My niche is selling a community. I don’t agree to move anywhere unless I know I’ll be happy, so once I’m settled, I enjoy sharing what I think is so wonderful. My love for the community and pride in the schools is what adds value to my husband’s responsibility for recruiting other physicians. I am often invited to dinners with new candidates and their wives, and I usually volunteer to take them around the community the next day. I enjoy playing a part in my husband’s success, and my customers remain quite pleased. I was even invited to dinner to meet the top three candidates who were hoping to become my husband’s new boss. Shortly after, when the new CEO was announced, I decided to make sure the new CEO’s wife got to know the community.

She was an impressive woman with a realtor’s license that wasn’t going to do her much good short term. So I set out to make her feel comfortable, telling her what I knew about the dynamics of the community. I was quickly humbled when 6 months later, she was putting in a good word for me with a local service provider and was hired as the President of the Chamber of Commerce. You can probably figure out what her “wow factor” is.

What do you have to offer that makes you special? What do you want your customers to say about you when you’re not there? When you answer these questions and focus your energy there, you are well on your way to a successful career as a wingspouse. Your product will be more desireable and your career will be a satisfying one.

Related Article:
The WOW factor of the Executive

Helping Your Husband Land That Job – A Few Simple Steps

Executive wives are underestimated and overworked. It’s a good thing we have the genes to multi-task. While we take care of the house and family, we’re putting together a checklist of items to make sure our husbands didn’t forget. If the family doesn’t seem to be running smoothly, we form a new plan – one that might work better than the last. If our husband doesn’t have time to do something for us, we do more to make time for him. So why wouldn’t we apply the same approach to our husband’s career? There are so many areas where we can add value, right down to the job search.

You and I both know that when we show up to a social function, what we say and do matters. Anyone who tells you the same is not true during a job search is misinformed. Every C-suite executive knows that a man’s wife has the potential to make or break their career, not to mention interrupt the tone of the office. So when someone is interviewing our husband for a high level position, you can bet they’re wondering who he is married to. Use this knowledge to your advantage by making yourself available during the courting period. Incorporate these objectives into every encounter:

• Answer the phone with intent of charming any potential interview call. Avoid giving information that should be kept to yourself, and don’t scream for the kids to be quiet.

• If you’re lucky enough to be included in a dinner here or there, make your husband look good. Share what it is you love about him, and don’t bring up that nasty habit you keep telling him to break. Don’t order an alcoholic drink unless someone else does first.

• Sell yourself as a self-sufficient woman who doesn’t act like a damsel in distress. If you can change a tire, throw that in (just kidding). Let them know if you’re involved with any community services or special causes.

• Say something pleasant about their community. Let them know you’re pleased with the neighborhoods, schools, or whatever is most important to you. A wife who doesn’t appear to be a willing participant is a red flag. They know “if mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”

So next time your husband says he’s going to start looking for the next opportunity, tell him you want to be included. He’ll be surprised at first, and wonderfully impressed when it works.

Networking Should Be a Partnership

by Kathi Browne

Networking isn’t just for executives anymore. Spouses are finding that networking assists their partners, while also adding a social aspect for themselves. When a couple unites to create connections, wonderful things can happen.

Take, for example, the wife who runs into another woman while attending a talk on women’s health. After a few moments of bonding, the two find they have something in common – both of their husbands are hospital administrators. What happens next determines if this chance meeting becomes a networking moment, or a missed opportunity. If one of the women extends an invitation for the couples to meet for dinner one night, both couples have just opened the door to a night of networking possibility. If they don’t, then one or both of the wives may find themselves eating alone while their partners work through dinner. Spouses have the ability to open doors because they are less threatening, and usually spice up the dinner with pleasant non-business conversation. They also help build a genuine relationship that isn’t based on who you know, but rather a mutual enjoyment of company and conversation. The business relationship then happens naturally.

Community service can also open doors to networking opportunities. Since spouses usually have more time to serve on committees or participate in the planning of an event, this area is typically best suited for them. Community events are an excellent place to have a good time together while also making connections locally. To successfully use community service as a networking tool, though, the service must be sincere. Nobody wants a board member who is there in name only. As an active committee member attending a local event, the wife and her husband are likely to be introduced to many new faces, forming relationships to people nearby. These people will form a first impression based on the willingness to serve for the benefit of the community. Some couples take this one step further by filling in for the other when there is a scheduling conflict.

Face to face networking isn’t for everyone, though. Some people are more comfortable using a computer. Computers have opened the door to a new world of electronic networking. Sites like MySpace, Twitter, and Facebook provide easy and unintimidating access to others, while allowing as much anonymity as one desires. Most of these sites are promoted as a source for social networking – but then Rogaine was once a blood pressure medicine before someone discovered it grew hair! By using social networking sites to find old friends, a spouse may uncover a goldmine of professional contacts while reliving earlier days. This kind of contact is most valuable because there is a familiarity of the person – even the character. A word of advice: Don’t forget that everything published on the internet can “live” forever. Social networking sites can become a nightmare if an old friend decides to retell stories that are better left forgotten.

Social networking sites are always fun, but sometimes they don’t open enough doors to the professional world. Linkedin may be the missing link. Linkedin is a professional networking site that facilitates networking between professionals who mutually agree to reach out to each other. This networking tool is much more selective, but can be incredibly helpful in identifying people who want to make professional connections. By setting up two linkedin accounts, one for the husband and one for the wife, both begin to build connections and join groups that interest them. Since these two people are also connected (or linkedin) to each other, they share many of each other’s connections through 2nd and 3rd connections. When the right opportunity occurs, the spouse can boast about her partner’s qualifications in a way that the partner would never be comfortable doing himself. Linkedin is a wonderful community of highly skilled professionals who base their connections on referrals. These members often offer insightful answers to questions that are posted, and even brainstorm with each other in private communications. It’s an amazing cyber community too good to pass up.

Whether in person or in cyberspace, spouses who actively participate in networking are reaping the rewards. They are spending more quality time with their partners, their husbands (or wives in some cases) are incredibly successful and appreciative, and they develop quality relationships with the people they connect with. In the book Good to Great, Jim Collins observes, “For no matter what we achieve, if we don’t spend the vast majority of our time with people we love and respect, we cannot possibly have a great life. But if we spend the vast majority of our time with people we love and respect – people we really enjoy being on the bus with and who will never disappoint us – then we will almost certainly have a good life, no matter where the bus goes.” So pick a bus and start riding!


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When Your Feet Dance, Your Heart Does Too

If you’re like me, you’ve attempted to exercise as a couple, but he isn’t the least bit interested. In my case, he wants to play basketball and I want to jog. We have a gym membership, but he wants to go after work while I have to go early or I lose interest. We just couldn’t make it work.

Ever considered ballroom dancing? Now before you dismiss this idea, consider the benefits. First, it’s time together when you both pay attention to each other and work as a team. Secondly, the man always gets to lead, which gives him the satisfaction that you’re deferring to him possibly for the first time ever! Thirdly, you’re both getting exercise while having some fun.

Your husband may not buy into this idea right away, but he doesn’t know you have a few tricks up your sleeve. In preparation for this proposal, put on a nice slinky dress (undergarments are optional) and look your best. As you wrap him around your body, remind him of those sensuous hip swings he hasn’t thought of since high school, and then propose this new form of exercise. Be sure to emphasize that the man always leads and the woman follows no matter what. If your man is like mine, he’ll agree simply to prove you aren’t capable of giving up that much control.

Once he agrees, set up weekly private lessons with a certified dance couple. Dance couples are a better choice than individual instructors because both of you will learn more by doing the steps with a trained partner. Schedule the first lesson immediately, and resolve to follow your husband into a pole, if that’s where he takes you. Sooner than you realize, the two of you will be flirting on the dance floor unaware of anyone else in the room.